I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. 
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two  days.” 
I  told him, “I wish, I had your will power!” 

I took my biology exam last Friday. 
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. 
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct  answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry  about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When  I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any  change?”
I said “No, you're still black”.

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. 
A man asks him,“What's wrong?” 
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. 
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. 
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed,
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus,
and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!" 

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

I  had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was

A  woman has a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
 OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” 

That should more or less cover everyone......