These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and  are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and  now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm  while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said  to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is  Susan!

ATTORNEY: What  gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and  Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are  you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie  there.

ATTORNEY: This  myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I  forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you  forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you  know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both  do.
WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't  know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the  bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The  youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like  your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were  you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting  me?

ATTORNEY: So the date  of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And  what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting  laid!

ATTORNEY: She had  three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were  boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your  Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new  attorney?

ATTORNEY: How  was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by  whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a  guess.

ATTORNEY: Can  you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a  beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus  was in town I'm going with  male.

ATTORNEY: Is your  appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to  your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to  work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how  many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of  them. The live ones put up too much of a  fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your  responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you  recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started  around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I  finished.

ATTORNEY: Are  you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask  that question?

And  last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check  for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood  pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for  breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the  patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How  can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my  desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been  alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been  alive and practicing law.